Enough!

I had dealt with bullying since I was a little girl. Pieces of crumpled-up paper and erasers were thrown at me in grade school during classes. But, the worst things that were thrown at me were the words that were meant to hurt me, degrade me and discourage me. I had been called lots of mean hurtful names that I can remember—‘stupid,’ ‘retard’ and ‘dummy.’ I’d been excluded, ignored and ditched by my peer groups, including those older than me because I wasn’t good enough or ‘normal enough’ in their eyes.

Because of my autism, I didn’t fully understand the social behaviors of those around me, including the people who bullied me. When I would see my peers, sometimes they would do something mean to me but also pretend to be nice to me. It was hard for me to tell whether they cared or not. But when I got older and more mature, I started to see things in a different light. It happened in 8th grade when I realized that the people who I thought were my friends never were. The minute I realized it, I walked to the girls’ bathroom, locked myself in one stall and cried my eyes out. I cried until I had enough courage to go to the principal’s office and call my mom to pick me up.

Even when I moved to the United States to live with my sister and brother-in-law in California, I still dealt with the bullying and witnessed it happening to others. I’d been bullied, not only because of my autism but also because I was a Mormon. During the run for Prop 8, a friend was called a ‘brain-washed Mormon,’ and my sister was egged at while putting flyers up. After Prop 8, one kid kept saying “Hail Satan!” to me whenever I saw him at school. Another kid threw a piece of candy at my back, which did hurt by the way. A third boy kept poking me on the back while he was sitting behind me during a presentation at the school library despite me telling him to stop.

I’m an adult now and far away from the bullies of my childhood, but I still see & hear it happening every day. I hear of school shootings that happened because the perpetrators were bullied themselves and they wanted to get even. I hear of men, women & children getting abused by their parents, spouses, relatives, siblings, and significant others in many ways—sexually, physically, emotionally and verbally. Even I witness my family and loved ones getting mistreated. I, myself, still get bullied too even though I’m all grown up.

The worse kinds of bullies are those who are family members because we’re stuck with them and they’re always mean to us. I have dealt with those bullies my whole life and I’ve hated every minute of being with them when they would be mean, hurtful and exclusive. The worst thing about bullying, and I mean the worst, is that there are people who won’t speak up. Some people are afraid and I understand that feeling yet it frustrates me because that’s how the bully gains control of the victim and how the abuse continues. Other people who won’t speak up—and these are individuals who make me really angry and hurt by them—are the people who are aware of the problem but they don’t acknowledge it or do anything about it. They just avoid and ignore the problem because they don’t want to have any more trouble. In their minds, ignoring the problem will make it go away and quiet things down. But, does it really work? Is it really the best way of being a peacemaker?

In the dictionary, a peacemaker is someone who brings about peace, especially by reconciling adversaries. For me, not only does a true peacemaker care for the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being of others but also acknowledges the issues, addresses them and seeks the best solutions for the problems. Lastly, a true peacemaker is someone who stands up for what’s right, defends oneself and others who are mistreated, and treats others with what we all want to be treated—respect, compassion, and dignity.

Though I am a grown young woman having graduated from college and already working on becoming a successful author and artist, it still hurts that I was bullied. I still remember those times. But, I remember them to remind myself that I will not be like them. It is not something I want for myself. I never want to be someone who is a mean, cold-hearted, selfish, arrogant, lying, prideful bully. It’s not who I am, who I want to be. I would rather very much be someone who is kind, considerate, honest, inclusive and selfless. I hate that I was bullied my whole life, and I hate that I still get bullied sometimes. But, I am moving forward. Some people who were bullied would rather be angry and bitter and hate their abusers. I will admit that I sometimes still carry that anger towards those who hurt me. I admit this because I’m not perfect. I’m only human. It’s natural to be angry because it’s part of being human. And we, humans, have those feelings to know ourselves, our strengths & weaknesses, and the differences between good & bad.

Unlike the angry people, I would rather move forward because it’s not worth it. I still keep in mind of those memories out of caution to keep myself from getting hurt again, but I do my best to not hold onto the anger and focus on the good instead. There’s no worth in fighting about the past. None at all. I’ve learned that the best thing to do is to learn from it and make sure that history will not repeat itself. And that’s what I’m going to do. There are three things that I’m going to do with my life and I hope that I inspire you to do the same. I am going to LEARN from the past, LIVE in the present, and DREAM of the future.

To the people who have been abused in many ways, I want you to know that you are not alone and that no matter what people say, you are of great worth. You are important. You are special. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

To the bullies who have hurt me, I want you to know that you made me feel miserable when I was around you. You made fun of me because I was different from you and that made it seem okay to do that. But, it was NOT okay. You had no right to do that. Not only did you make fun of me, but you also did other hurtful things to me—you laughed at me, you ditched me, you pinched me, you ignored me, you called me mean names and you pretended to care for me when in fact you didn’t.

I hope that one day you have changed and we both can get past this. But if you are still the same as before, then I feel sorry for you because you have not realized your mistakes or even cared enough to take the time to think about how others have felt when you have hurt them. Nevertheless, I have had enough of this. It doesn’t matter to me whether you’ve changed or not. That’s up to you, not me. I’m walking away now and I’m not going to look back. No matter what you do or how hard you try to bring me down, I will fall but I always get back up and keep standing.

*After posting this on Facebook, I received 24 positive comments and 48 reactions on this essay I wrote. Many people loved what I wrote and were impressed with my writing. Having received these responses makes me feel very confident in myself as a writer. I also feel good with having become a voice for those who couldn't speak for themselves.*